ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
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how to have fun when you’re poor
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
So inspired right now.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
それは草
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.