Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
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Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.