Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
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me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied