Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
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When ur friends with white people
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe