Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
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Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found