[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
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Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.