@d_duhwit: Me: I treat my body like a temple.
*leaves body in the Mexican jungle for 500 years*
@WilliamRodgers: Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
@beckyiniowa: My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother's cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
@sweet_pea707: HR: Do you know why I called you in here today?
Me: I have a boyfriend
HR: Ok, sorry to bother you
@SmithWit: I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
@jazmasta: [after 20 minutes of awkward silence in the sauna]
"This isn't the bathroom is it"