@d_duhwit: Me: I treat my body like a temple.
*leaves body in the Mexican jungle for 500 years*
@shariv67: Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
@AbbieEvansXO: Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
@KevinFarzad: When walking behind someone at night, let them know you're not dangerous by yelling "DO NOT FEAR ME" very loudly
@Smooheed: When anyone says they've embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think 'that kind of limit sounds nice'