I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
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Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Saturday
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.