@d_duhwit: Me: I treat my body like a temple.
*leaves body in the Mexican jungle for 500 years*
@schumoo: Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
@bonehugsnirony: The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I'm throwing rocks at joggers.
@kentgrossarth: Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor's house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.
@MrSpoonicorn: *answers a bagel like a phone*
i'm just in a meeting right now i'll call you back
@mrtruthandsoul: Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you "Hal" for short, 'k, Chief?