Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
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FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.