ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
You Might Also Like
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.