Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
You Might Also Like
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes