ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
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[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.