Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
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[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea