me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
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I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic