Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
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People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I feel this so hard
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Did I do this right
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful