I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
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Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.