ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
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Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?