me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
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I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
🙁
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here