me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
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Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.