ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
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I hope Alan is OK
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.