ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
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Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly