Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
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Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason