Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
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Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
beware of dog
(jukin media)
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?