Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
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People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.