Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
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Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs