Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
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“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
house sitting!
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.