Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
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if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
we’re gonna need another temp
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”