Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
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*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Ooops wrong house😂😜
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.