Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
You Might Also Like
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Think I pulled my liver
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee