Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
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Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
#ParentingFacts
(by @ZachWeiner )
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.