*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
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KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love