me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
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Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers