ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
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🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
She was REALLY feeling it.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.