ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
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Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*