Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
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The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
HERE’S MARKY
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.