ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
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“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Never let them know your next move 😂
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken