ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
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How your email finds me
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom