Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
sry
Has there ever been a more American story?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
hackers play passwordle
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?