Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
You Might Also Like
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Trying
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.