just witnessed a drug deal
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They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.