Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
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I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
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[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.