ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
You Might Also Like
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
How it started: How it’s going:
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
i will not be silenced
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect