me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
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Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.