Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
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One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
boat question
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”