ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
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My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Okay
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.