Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Whoa… oh I see lol
the greatest twitter interaction
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭