For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
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ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right