Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
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*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I came this close!!!!
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Just this preview of the story is enough
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.