Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
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Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.