ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
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daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here