me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do