Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
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yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
lumberjacks will cut a birch
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
first you must answer his riddles