Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
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What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.